Interval

I've done interval training 3 times now. It's pretty good stuff.

But... my shins are starting to hurt when I run. Anyone know how to make that stop? I'm not sure if it's shin splints or what. Maybe it's just too much weight coming down on my bones. I've tried running in the past and I always creep up to this point where my shins give out before my lungs do and it sucks.

Also, went to the doctor on Friday to ask about sleep apnea. Turns out I probably have it. I also asked about lap band surgery. I'm taking the first steps toward exploring that as a viable option. It's starting to seem more and more impossible to lose a significant amount of weight and then keep it off on my own without some significant tools to help. Not quite sure how I feel about it yet.

Fire

Here's the story - serious burn out.

Mental break downs and group therapy. Eating to cope.

If I'm gonna be honest, this month has been really hard. But I feel like I'm on my way out of a seriously nasty pit.

To continue with the last blog's post, I have gone swimming with co-workers 3 times since then.

Today was my first serious workout in a looooong time. (I've been to the gym at least once a week, but haven't pushed myself and have been eating like shit.) I did interval training with John - (1 minute of running + 6 minutes of walking) x 3 = my face is so red it's purple. I feel surprisingly good and proud of myself for doing it.

John's gonna do the interval training 4x/week. You increase running time every week and it's supposed to get you running for 30 minutes straight within 8 weeks. I think I might do it with him. Although it might be more reasonable to up the ante every other week instead of every week.

Feeling very blessed that we left our front door and ran on the beach today, too!

PS - I cannot describe how much I love kale chips. Amazing. Toss some fresh kale in a bit of olive oil and spices then bake at 350 for 10 minutes - crispy, delicious, nutrient-packed treat!

Too Legit to Quit

Question: Is rain at 6am in July a legit excuse not to go swimming?

This morning I decided that, yes. Yes it is.

I figured it's a step in the right direction - the direction of positive change - because I actually got out of bed, got dressed, and got in the car. Three steps more than I have ever taken before.

Milestone - I don't hate looking at the mirror anymore. Or pictures. I'm starting to feel okay about me. I think I look fat in some pictures, but that's cause I am right now. I won't always be. It's just where I'm at right now. And it doesn't make me hideous.

Haha...

As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that what I'm doing is meeting myself where I'm at. It's a core value at my job to meet our students "where they're at". Like we talk about it a few times a week.

Lesson learned: It's okay to be okay with me no matter where I am on this journey. Jesus loves me and so do I.

Spinning Sucks

I went to my first spinning class yesterday and I decided that I hate spinning class. The seat was hard and uncomfortable and so painfully far up my ass that I couldn't push myself cause it just hurt more the harder I pedaled. Then when I stood up on the bike, my feet cramped so much that I was just managing pain by alternating sitting and standing instead of concentrating on working out. Plus, all the people in the class were ridiculously hardcore - like biking cleats and spandex is cool, hardcore.

The good news is that I was determined to go yesterday. Firstly, I was feeling depressed after going to court with my favorite student and he was convicted of two felonies (complete bullshit, but that's another story). But I decided to go anyway. Then when I got in my car, the gas tank was empty, but I decided to wait to get gas so I could make sure to reserve a bike for the class. Then I got to the gym and realized I forgot my shoes. I was about to give up, but I decided to reserve a bike real fast, then run home to grab my shoes. I pushed my car on empty and sped home, then while speeding back to the gym, a cop started following me. I thought, "If this guy pulls me over, forget it. I'm just not meant to go." Luckily, he let me go with a dirty look as he drove by. I feel like it was a victory in that several things that may have stopped me when I was the old me - didn't!

Now I've just got to do that everyday. Only not on those stupid bikes.

Ugly

Dude. I have not gone to the gym since I got back from Oregon on Saturday. I feel like a slug.

I'm planning on going to the gym tomorrow evening with my friend/boss Tescia. My co-workers and I all got the official tour with our whole staff yesterday, which was great. Everybody was so motivated to go and excited about our membership. I feel like I've got a dozen new workout partners. (Speaking of, Erin - Where you at? Are we on for Saturday?)

I'm worried that I'm not going to be able to do this. I was talking to Tescia who lost almost 50 pounds in the last year. She did it by working out like a mad woman and eating nothing but raw veggies and hard-boiled eggs for months on end. She makes no bones about how hard it was to do and now how hard it is to maintain. Is it even possible to have a normal life and be fit with my metabolism?

My other co-worker is in the beginning stages of getting a lap band. I weigh more than he does. I wonder if that might be a good option for me. John hates the idea of me going in for surgery because of all the risks, but does obesity pose a greater risk? Can I be non-obese without surgical measures?

Downfall

Ack. I keep on looking at this thing and thinking about how I should write something but then don't really know what to write.

I feel like I'm losing momentum. The moment I lost it may have been after I had been working out for a couple of weeks and got on the scale at the gym. I had weighed myself at the same scale during one of my first workouts and weighed in at 286. When I hopped on two weeks later (soaking wet compared to totally dry), it said 276. I was totally stoked! I couldn't believe I lost ten pounds. I was super excited and all ready to call John and brag and then I decided to go weigh again, just to double check. When I got on that time, it said 286 again. .... LAME! I felt super discouraged, especially after getting so excited.

I knew it was a bit crazy to have lost 10 pounds in two weeks solely by working out and not REALLY changing my diet all that much, but I was sucked into the potential glory. It confirmed the already existing knowledge about diet being 80% of weight loss, but I had felt like I was doing so good. It was disheartening (to say the least) to feel like you're working hard and making progress and then not see results (ESPECIALLY after being tricked into thinking there were results).

Now all these excuses are coming back in my head - things like "I can't afford to eat healthy". Man, I can justify my way into thinking just about anything.

I was still working out consistently at the gym, although not as hard cause I was mostly going with students. I started to avoid the Friday solo-workout. Then I just got back from a trip to Oregon for my cousin's wedding (where I ate crap and didn't move except to boogie on down on the dance floor) - and I feel like now is the challenging part. I have to force myself to get back to the gym and start making good decisions about what I eat. It's so easy to justify eating Taco Bell and cup o' noodles on vacation... and it can be just as easy back home if I let it. This seems especially hard cause we're on a really tight budget BECAUSE of the vacation. Bad food just feels cheaper.

We just went grocery shopping and I have our menu planned out for the next two weeks to save money. It's not super healthy stuff, but it's at least real food, i.e. unprocessed. God was good and boneless skinless chicken breasts were on sale as the cheapest possible meat (we usually get bone-in, skin-on, thighs cause they're cheaper). So let's hope that's a good omen for me taking another step forward in this journey.

I'm gonna pump...me up!

So here's how the first week of my planned work-out regimen is going:

Monday - worked out with my students.

Tuesday - 6 am came and went whilst I snored away. I did have an internal battle for about 10 minutes when my alarm went off at 6, but sleep won. Still debating how self-defeating it was to wait until after midnight to go to bed the night before.

Wednesday - Since I was on duty for our Wednesday night outing at work, I scheduled a work out with a student. When student didn't show for our appointment (super common), I found another student who wanted to go and got in two miles on the elliptical and some arm weights.

Thursday - have another appointment with student to work out. if he doesn't show, I'm only working a half day, so I'll go in the afternoon.

So far, so good. Not exactly how I planned, but I'm still managing to make it a priority and go. I'm feeling stronger and noticed today that I have more energy than usual. I'm also more happy than usual for the last week or so. I'm not sure if I can contribute the happiness to the exercise but it certainly can't be hurting.

Haute Couture

Ok, so while not directly weight-loss/health related, I have some awesome news!

A friend from work recently lost 60 pounds (yay her!). And let me tell you, this friend has the cutest stinkin clothes you've ever seen. I comment on her style all the time and then the other day she says - "well I have about two garbage bags full of clothes that I just cleared out, do you want them?"

And I say, "hells yes!"

So today I picked up these wonderful bags of clothes. It's so rad. I think most of them are from before she lost the weight, so they're all about my size down to 3-ish sizes smaller. There's some awesome summer stuff in there, too! A lot of it is at that stage where it almost fits but if I lost ten pounds, it'd REALLY fit. What better motivation than uber cute outfits? Ok. So there is better motivation out there (health benefits, blah blah blah). But for now I get to feel great about wearing fantastic new digs and working toward wearing even MORE fantastic stuff.

Also, today I went to the gym with my students and did mostly strength training. I also raced one of my students to see who could go for a mile the fastest on a stationary bike. She won. But only by like 3 seconds and she's in way better shape than me. Also, on Saturday I speed walked (even jogged some!) to the video store and back with John - which is almost exactly one mile.

Just call me gangsta

Guess what guys?!

I swam again yesterday afternoon. Again, for about 40 minutes. But this time I swam....


FORTY (40) laps!!


I did 12 on the kickboard to warm up, 20 regular to work out, then another 10 on kickboard to cool down. The old guys in the lane next to me were lapping me, but whatever. I just felt proud that I was getting back into it and my body is starting to remember what to do so quickly. It was funny cause after my kickboard cool down, I thought, "that's not so bad, I bet I could do more." Then I got out of the pool and into the car and my body was shaking from the workout. Lol, that's what I get for thinking I'm tough.

Now that I have a gym membership (!), here's my work out plan:

Sunday - nada (between work and church, I don't think I'll have time)
Monday - Gym 3-5 pm with my students (getting paid to work out!)
Tuesday - Swim at the gym in the A.M. (must get up and out by 6 am)
Wednesday - Swim at the gym in the P.M. (get off at 4pm on Wednesdays)
Thursday - Day off or swim in the A.M. - maybe go with my students during the day
Friday - Swim when I wake up (it's my day off)
Saturday - Do something fun and active with John (or whoever)

Today in Long Beach, there's this urban race going on. It's a silly relay race, I think. A bunch of teams are passing our building carrying tires. As a rule, I don't pay to run. People have talked to me about doing half marathons and stuff but it just seems stupid to me to pay money to run (excepting good cause 10k's, of course). Then I thought, doing these crazy scavenger hunt races seems more like something I could get into. I could totally see paying to participate in something that looks so fun. I'm thinking about making that one of my goals for getting in shape. Right now, there's no way I could run, bike, or otherwise do the physical activity necessary to do a race like that - which is a good example of why I've grown in my discontent with being fat. I can't do the things I want to do or keep up with my friends who do fun adventurous stuff cause my body just won't let me. Maybe I can start researching a fun race to do around this time next year. They're all team events - who's with me?

Bubbles

Guess who's all motivated and went for a swim at the gym today?

This girl.

Guess who didn't give a shit that she was in her bathing suit and cap and goggles and everyone could see the waves of so-white-it's-purple cellulite?

This girl.

Guess who clawed her way through 40 minutes and more than 20 laps even though her body would've rather beached itself?

This girl.

Sore

We went to a work day in East LA yesterday and painted and sanded all day. I'm now pretty sore. Plus I did yoga last Wednesday which also kicks my butt every time. I can feel it for at least 3 days afterward.

I just ate a bagel with lox, onions, and cream cheese. I think that's in my top 5 favorite foods. I'm about to make chocolate chip cookies for a church meeting tonight. We'll see how much cookie dough I eat. I think that's also in a top 5 list - as in foods I can't control myself around. Maybe I'll make something better for me next time.

People keep telling me that I look like I've lost weight but I don't feel like I have. Maybe if you just put it out there that you're trying people tell you that.

Walk

So I compromised yesterday. My friend Tritia drove me home and then we took around the "big" block. At least I got a little something in. Until the gym starts for real, my goal is to do something (like anything) active 6 days/week.

So far...
Sunday - walked 2.6 miles
Monday - took an evening stroll with John
Tuesday - walk around the "big block" with Tritia
Wednesday - planning on going to yoga (free @ church - everyone's welcome!)

Today I ate:
Iced coffee
english muffin panini - eggs, turkey, cheese, arugula
leftover pasta with meat sauce
veggies - raw broccoli, carrots and cauliflower (but only the small handful I had leftover from yesterday)

This has been a hard journey with a lot of backsliding, but I feel like I've made permanent progress in the right direction. 2 steps forward, 1 or 5 steps back, right?

Good News

I keep on thinking about this thing and how I'd all but abandonded it. Maybe I was just waiting for some good news.

The good news is that the JCC membership through my work has FINALLY been approved. We should be able to start going as of June 1st - next week! I'm excited to start that.

The things I ate today:

an egg sandwich (i made - 2 eggs, cheese, ham, whole grain toast, hot sauce)
bagel with cream cheese
3 brownie bites
raw broccoli, carrots and cauliflower with hummus
coffee
diet soda
brown rice

I think we're having pasta with meat sauce for dinner.

It's also the end of the work day and I'm struggling with whether I should walk home or catch a ride. We have to leave for a meeting by 6:30 so I feel like I have an excuse not to walk, and I also feel like it's just that - an excuse.

REVOLUTION!

So I watched an episode of Jamie Oliver's Food Revolution on Hulu tonight.

It was so inspirational. The guy is really passionate about people eating whole/good foods. And he's really convincing about how important it is. Made me want to bust out my farmer's market bok choy and stir fry it up! (Then I looked at the clock and thought, I really shouldn't eat anything at 9:30pm... tomorrow. Bok choy tomorrow.)

Also made me want to start an herb garden. Fresh herbs are so good and good for you. I don't really have outdoor space or room in my kitchen... hmm. I wonder if I could do it on top of my bookshelves without damaging them. The bookshelves are in the dining room, so it might be a good addition. I wonder if I rearranged my shelves in the kitchen if I could make it fit. I have such a black thumb, though.

Anyone have any awesome tips on how to grow herbs?

CRAP!

Dude. I ate like SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT today. And I feel gross because of it.

I had a donut and coffee for breakfast. And then for lunch I had Carl's Jr. That's right. Carl's effing Jr.

FRIES! FRIED CHICKEN SANDWICH! WITH BACON! AND CHEESE! (preceded by DEEP FRIED FROSTED FAT!)

Oh man, lesson learned. I feel like crap. I think I waited way too long to eat and then I didn't care what I ate, I just wanted food. So off to Carl's Jr I went.

Maybe it's a blessing in disguise cause I'm uber determined to make sure that I get back on track. That Carl just makes me icky and ashamed and mad.

However, my friend Mr. Hummus Q. Vegetable makes me feel like a rockstar. Carl's such a bad influence. I'm getting back together with my true friends.

LIAR!

Dude. I'm telling you. The scale that they weigh us with at work for the Biggest Loser is a Big Liar. It said that I lost 6 pounds this week. While I'm excited about that, I'm doubtful that it's accurate.

Good news! I found out today that despite the initial rejection of my request for work to pay for my gym membership, it looks like they just might do it! I'm super excited for that. No excuses time!

I worked out once on Monday and found out how much food affects how I feel. My body was in turmoil because I did a full fast (nothing but water/tea) for 3 days. (For spiritual reasons, I know not eating is bad for the body.) Then I broke it with gusto - helloooooooo fried chicken! So when I went to the gym on Monday I just did NOT want to work out. I was so tired and felt weighed down. I got on the machine anyway and ended up doing 40 minutes - more than my usual 30. It was slow going, but I felt much better afterward. I'm trying to pay attention to the benefits that eating well has. Because when I'm really paying attention, I can recognize that the only reward to eating like crap is the taste. Afterwards, I just feel bad both physically and emotionally. This epiphany is revolutionary, mainly because the reward of feeling better physically and emotionally is beginning to outweigh my desire for lots o' taste.

I still haven't made it to the JCC pool, but once I get this membership paid for, I'm hopeful that I will dive in. OH! And if anyone who's reading this wants in on the $29 for 6 week membership at the Jewish Community Center, you totally can! I just learned that the corporate membership is essentially for anyone that just mentions "MHA" when they sign up. If you're interested, let me know and I'll give you more details. Plus, the more people join, the lower the monthly rate is!

Soyrizo

Guess what I discovered?

SOY CHORIZO!

Holy crap, that's some good stuff. It's the most believable fake meat I've ever had. You get all the flavor of chorizo with like a fraction of the fat and calories (and no questionable pig parts). Dee-lish!

I worked out again today at the JCC. Finished my weight orientation and tried to make it an actual work out instead of just a demonstration. I guess we'll find out whether I succeeded when I wake up sore (or not) tomorrow. Then I did 25 minutes on the elliptical before I had to get all my students back to the office.

It's kinda crazy, on the elliptical that I used the first two times, I can do a little over 2 miles in half an hour. On the one that I used today (which was a newer model/different brand), I barely made 1 mile in 25 minutes and it said I only burned like half the calories the other one did. Plus the one I used today felt much more difficult. I don't know what the deal is. I feel like I should stick with the latter because it felt like a better workout but the other one's screen says I did more...

I'm dying to use the pool there. We've been so busy, I haven't had a chance to go down without my students, but I'm determined to go at some point this week. I miss swimming. It allows me to tune out and push my body more than any other exercise.

I feel like I need to tighten up my eating habits, too. With this newfound success on the scale and time in the gym, I'm loosening up my standards on food. No good. I think maybe I should make it a rule that I eat my veggies first, especially at dinner, so that way I don't stuff myself with things like soyrizo without leaving any room for things like asparagus. That happens way more times than I'd like to admit.

Four is my new favorite number

DUDE! I weighed in today and I lost 4 pounds! I'm down to 276! Woohoo!

AAAAAAAAAANNNNDDD... I worked out for the THIRD time this week! I did cardio at the gym on Monday, yoga at my church last night (and holy crap, i'm sore!), and then more cardio at the gym this afternoon.

News flash - FREE yoga at my church (by a certified instructor) on Wednesdays at 7pm. It's a girls only class and all the ladies are invited!

I started the weight machine orientation today so by Monday I should be able to add strength training to the routine. I know building muscle is so important to losing weight and feeling strong.

I'm actually starting to enjoy working out which is crazy. I'm on a 5 visit free pass at the Jewish Community Center and then it's $29 for six weeks. I think it's $35/month thereafter, and I'm just not sure how we're going to be able to afford that.

But enough with doubting... it's good news for now! yay!

For the record...

I just want to record this feeling I have immediately after eating breakfast at the downstairs cafe. I ate half a piece of french toast, eggs with salsa and cheese atop an english muffin and potatoes.

Kinda gross. And heavy. A little nauseous. And a bit bad about myself.

Let's not do that again. Let's eat food that makes me feel awesome.

..since i lef' you, lef' you... without a dope beat to step to

Ack! Way too long since my last post AGAIN! LAME!

In my defense, life has been CRAZY. We've been moving and had stuff going on literally every night of the week for the past few weeks. It's nuts. But things are starting to slow down just a bit, which is nice.

So here's the major news from the past couple of weeks:

1. Vegetarianism is NOT as easy as I thought it was going to be. Turns out I like meat much more than I thought I did. It's also much more limiting than I had assumed - particularly at restaurants. There's just not that many options. It has been forcing me to eat more veggies, I think though. So, bonus.

2. Last week at Biggest Loser weigh-in I had gained a pound. SAD! However, I was super stoked to find out this morning that in the last week I have lost THREE (3!) pounds. WOOHOO! That was super awesome to hear and a big shot of positive motivation. I'm really motivated to get into the 270's this week. Those 10 lb markers just feel like a big deal.

3. Our new place is rad. There's been a few issues of things that need to be repaired and it not being handed over to us as clean as I had hoped, but the location is amazing. My commute to work if I drive is 1.5 minutes. Literally. Unless I hit a red light. Then it's 2.5 minutes. I also am walking to work one day out of the week (I'm required to drive the other days). So on Tuesdays I get a 2 mile walk in! (1 mile each way) There's also a lot more walking in general because it's such a walk friendly neighborhood. Parking sucks, so once the car is parked, we just leave it and can walk to cafes, restaurants, the drug store, etc. It's super cool. John and I just took a walk to the beach tonight - that's right - it's TWO blocks away.

4. The exercise front is looking really good. In addition to the new walking neighborhood, I also have the chance to join the Jewish Community Center for only $29 for 6 weeks. It's huge and really nice. There's a gym, pool, sauna, basketball court, group classes and more. I think I may even be able to talk my work into paying for it for me because I'll take students there during work hours (getting paid to work out!). Also, my church is doing a free yoga class on Wednesday nights (ALL are welcome to join, btw)! The woman who's teaching it is super fun and a certified instructor.

5. I'm contemplating getting on a more structured eating plan. I like not having a plan, but I feel like there will be more steady progress if I get on one. I'm thinking about Weight Watchers since I have the stuff and it's worked in the past. If anyone has any more awesome ideas, let me know.

The end.

Biggest WINNER

Just had my first weigh in for my work's Biggest Loser competition. I'm officially 282 pounds (on a weird scale, they tried to tell me I was 40 pounds less until I insisted that that couldn't be right). So you know, bad news is that I'm 282 pounds. Good news is that I'm not heavier than I thought.

I'm also going vegetarian for the next 40 days and not drinking anything but tea and water. I feel like that alone has got to produce some sort of weight loss, right?

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand... I feel like I'm starting to get sick... again. BUT I REFUSE. I've gotta pack and get ready for this big move. So this telltale dry spot in the back of my throat will go away. So there.

Thanks, Erin!

Thanks, Erin! I just read your comment, and indeed, it has been too long. Allow me to explain...

The Bad:

This week has been up there in the top 3 most stressful of my life. Work was REALLY tough - made the decision to make a kid (meth addict, HIV+) homeless for the night; girl I had been working with for HOURS for the past week to get her to stay in a place with a roof over her head ran away and is most likely turning tricks to get around. Soooo... that called for a round of homemade cookie dough. Lesson learned? I need to find a better coping food. There's also been serious relationship and business issues this week (which make the above look small in comparison) that make good choices seem impossible.

I need to figure out two important strategies (suggestions welcome!):

1. How do I make good choices when under tremendous stress?

2. And more commonly, how do I make good choices when in a party/group situation? (I've discovered at recent parties/potlucks that if food is in front of me, I will eat it.)

Why I haven't lost hope yet:

Next week is the start of some great things that I hope will be instrumental in keeping me on track. My work-sponsored "Biggest Loser" competition is starting on Thursday. Excitingly, myself and two other co-workers have officially signed up for a team and are committed to winning this thing over the next 3 months. We've even discussed trading off bringing lunch for the whole team. I'm also trying to convince some non-participating co-workers to come cheerlead for us at weekly weigh-ins. (You hear that, Tritia? Dust off those pom-poms!)

My church family and I are also starting a 40 day fast next week. It's not a complete fast (I think only Jesus can do the whole 40 day thing), so what I'm thinking so far is that I'm going to go vegetarian and cut out any drinks except water and tea. I'm still debating because the point of the fast is not to give up something you want to give up - I've been thinking about being vegetarian for a while - it's about giving up something that will make you rely on God and honor Him. I know giving up soda and coffee drinks will be hard, but I don't know. We'll see what happens.

Finally, we're moving at the end of this month (2/27, if you wanna help us haul boxes), and I'm hopeful that our new neighborhood will encourage a healthier lifestyle. Parking is difficult and there's an abundance of shops/restaurants/cafes in walking distance. My hope is that we'll become much more active because of our environment. I'm also hoping/predicting that I'll have more energy because my work commute will be so short that there won't be any time for traffic to suck the life out of me on my way home. Plus they'll be more time to exercise!

In any case, these things give me hope for the future despite my walk behind the wagon the past week or two. I'm gonna launch back up on that sucker, just you watch!

Light at the beginning of the tunnel

Just when my wagon is nowhere to be seen...

A stressful week at work has made for some not so cute choices in food and exercise this week. (BTW, do you think it's a sign that I can NEVER spell "exercise"? I spell check it every time.)

But just when I was feeling super defeated, new inspiration hit! My work is having a "Biggest Losers" competition! We get together in teams of 3, have weekly weigh-ins and pay $5/month for 3 months. Myself and a couple of co-workers are totally gonna kick ass. It's gonna be awesome! Also, (speaking of inspiration) the lovely and talented Tritia has been going on walks with me! Yay for more walking!

Today I didn't stop at a fast food place to get something on my way home from Inglewood even though I was STARVING and thisclose to doing it. Instead I came home to my hubby's awesome pasta that he had made for his lunch. Sweet.

What I ate today:

coffee

leftover homemade cheese pizza

cottage cheese

banana

pasta

i'm gonna eat a tangerine soon, too. And I need some veggies tonight.

!!!

I went on a walk!

It was really hard!

It was super cold and the sides of my calves cramped like a mofo!

I really need to start stretching before I walk!

I did really good with food at work! I only ate the food I brought! (Plus 4 of Jay's triscuits.)

(Also, there was ice cream and a cookie this evening.) :-(

But I ate a lot of carrots and sugar snap peas! :-)

Just sayin...

I'm just sayin... it's Saturday at noon and I've already gone for a brisk walk in the park with Erin and eaten some delicious stinky bagels. It's a good day thus far.

The Silver Lining

So I decided today that its a lot more fun and motivating to focus more on my food victories than what I've eaten. Plus, according to my literature, the more positive experiences I can associate with doing healthy things, the easier it will be to be healthy! I'll still try and list what I've eaten recently, but let's focus on the brighter side, shall we?

Last night John and I were talking and we both really wanted to get some dessert. The fro-yo places just felt too far so we talked about getting a frosty from Wendy's. They're only 99 cents, so it's been a fun/cheap treat for us in the past. But after some thought, I decided that I just wouldn't feel good about eating a bunch of high fructose corn syrup. So we skipped it! I had a handful of kettlecorn from the farmer's market and a glass of wine instead. Hooray!

What I've eaten today:

2 hardboiled eggs

yogurt

coffee

mcdonald's cheeseburger (lame)

mozzarella & tomato salad

raw bellpepper

saltine crackers

I'm making some turkey chili to take to marriage group tonight, so I'll have that too. I also have a country club/trailer trash potluck tomorrow night. Not sure how that's gonna work out. Potlucks with friends that can cook just seems so daunting... and delicious. I was planning on making some Paula Deen mac n' cheese, but maybe I should figure out something healthier. Any ideas?

Blossom

Also, here's a quote I came across on facebook from an old high school friend that I thought applied well to my health journey:

And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom.

FOOOOOOOOOOD

What I ate today:

English muffin

nonfat mexican mocha

quinoa salad

baked lays potato chips

diet soda

avocado

trout (smelled sooooo fishy, but tasted good!)

a little bit of rice

baby bok choy

chocolate covered honeycomb (2 pieces - they're chunks a bit smaller than a baby's fist)

skim milk

Wow, honestly not as bad as I thought I did. I spent a good part of the day feeling guilty, but I didn't eat that poorly!

Does anyone have any good quinoa recipes? I've just been grilling veggies and mixing it together, but it's just not doing it for me. (Word to the wise - blue cheese is a bad addition.)

Shame

I hate these posts where I get all obnoxiously honest. It's a bit painful. And here goes...

So there's a lot of shameful things that happen when you chronically overeat. One of those things is that you hide food intake. I sometimes do this thing where I sneak food and then feel really ashamed and full of regret.

Like today. John left for worship team practice and I pretty immediately went for these two small-ish leftover baked potatoes in the fridge. I wasn't hungry. We had had farina for brunch not two hours before. Without a thought I took both out instead of just one. I found myself trying to hide the bowl with the potatoes, margarine and light sour cream from my landlord/housemate walking by. I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't, but I was too far into the process. The concept of not eating it at that point just wasn't an option.

So now I need to figure out how to go from this place of shame and embarrassment and self-disgust that just makes me want to give up and crawl in a corner to one in which I feel empowered and motivated to continue in the right direction.

I know it's gonna be a lot of hard work to get where I want to be. And for that reason, I haven't given myself a time table. It took a lifetime of learning bad habits to get to this place. It might take a few years to get to an awesome place. It involves changing bad habits into good ones. Consciously switching the associations I have created in my brain. Resisting a lot of temptation and feeling good about it. This physical thing with my body has to happen on a cognitive level and sometimes that just feels overwhelmingly difficult.

In The End to Overeating, it talks about changing your brain's association with things to change your behavior, e.g., taking a whiff of stale cigarette butts every time you want a cigarette so that eventually you just associate smoking with nastiness. The books says that you can train yourself to do the same sort of thing with food. If I'm able to resist temptation (made easier by making a plan of action before I encounter said temptation), on a consistent basis, I won't be tempted anymore. I'll be so rewarded by the results of resisting the temptation that walking away will be a more desirable thing to do than eat the brownie (or pizza, or cheesecake, or potato).

Here's hoping that I can get to that place. I'm feeling pretty negative at the moment and I want to get to a more positive place. One where this journey is exciting and not something I dread.

STORM!

Oh man, it's so wet round these parts. My work building was even evacuated! Freaking tornadoes in Long Beach!

I mostly stayed on track with my plan for what I was going to eat yesterday except we went to Enrique's for dinner instead of making cauliflower soup (chips/salsa, cup of broccoli soup, zucchini and mushroom quesadilla). It was a crazy day trying to deal with the DMV/Long Beach courts. LAME.

Today I tried making the curried cauliflower soup but that turned out to be pretty nasty. It was weird and spicy tasting. I think I just don't like Indian flavors enough to enjoy it. I followed the recipe which just consisted of boiling cauliflower in milk spiced with garam masala and salt and pepper until tender then blending it all together to make kind of a bisque. It was just too weird for me. I think I might like it with less intense spices - maybe roasted garlic and leeks or something. The texture was good, just not the intense spice flavor.

Soooo... we ended up making baked potatoes and chicken breast for dinner instead. Sadly, we didn't have any other veggies besides the massive amount of cauliflower that just went down the drain. But potatoes are technically a vegetable, right?

The rest of the day I had - 2 hard boiled eggs, english muffin, black tea with honey, french bread with nasty progresso chicken and rice soup, raw red bell pepper, and a tangerine. I don't know what I'm gonna eat tomorrow for lunch cause we don't have any food! AHHH!

Raw Fish

I think running around looking for apartments in the POURING rain and blustery day burns about a million calories. It's got to, right? Still on the search for that awesome place, but we've got a couple of cool possibilities on the table.

What is swimming in my gastric juices today:

english muffin

nonfat white mocha

miso soup

cucumber salad

thousand oaks roll

alaskan roll

pasta bake - (but i made it so i think it was a bit healthier - leftover pasta, lots of tomatoes, a bit of cheese and the occasional black olive)

a scoop of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup

Again, I think I need to stock up on the veggies. Or just stalk them? You think they'll get creeped out?

My plan for tomorrow:

english muffin

hardboiled egg(s?)

tangerine

raw red bell pepper

leftover pasta bake

raw baby carrots (i think. unless we ran out.)

cauliflower soup

maybe a chicken breast or something to go with the soup for dinner.

Let's see how that works out, shall we? I also want to drink at least 1 nalgene of water. It should be pretty easy cause it's a staff meeting day - 2.5 hours in one room.

Where's my wagon

Alright, I gotta be honest. This weekend I fell off the wagon just a bit. We've been super busy and I've lost focus. I quit asking, "What would healthy Megan do?" Or quit listening to the answer.

I had pizza, chinese food, brownies (whole wheat brownies, mind you), and Auntie DeeDee's pasta bake. A friend celebrated his birthday at the Cheesecake Factory and we started out well by electing to eat dinner at home beforehand so that I only ordered a green salad while we were there... and then we split a slice of cheesecake, cause you know, we're at it's factory. It'd be rude not to, right? We helped a friend move the next day and there's always pizza and beer on move day. Then friends came over and brought us Chinese food.

Long story short, I need to reacquaint myself with vegetables. We were starting to get close and then I kind of ditched them for the sexy cheesecake. Bitch move, I know. It's time to humbly come back to my friend the squash and ask if we can get cozy again.

I also need to finish The End to Overeating. I've finally hit the solution part of the book and now I need to finish reading those crucial last 50 pages.

Muh fooood 1/13

Today I eated:

A "nasty ass-salad"

2 Hard Boiled Eggs

Yogurt

Grilled Veggie Sandwich

1 Serving shrimp w/pasta

2 garlic bread pieces

1 Serving green beans

(This is John posting)

There were many victorious things not eaten.

Reminder to self

I'm doing this because I want to live life without inhibitions. I want to be free from this weight in every way. I want to PHYSICALLY dance. I don't want this one thing to govern my EMOTIONS. I want a SPIRITUAL path free of obstacles.

I feel heavy now. I want to get rid of this load.

Not quitting.

Hungry

Food today:

Orange

Yogurt

Banana

Chicken breast (my friend Tritia made it and it was gooooooood)

Gardenburger (2 small patties with ketchup and mustard)

Diet coke

shrimp hacao (dim sum steamed dumpling)

grilled veggie sandwich

broccoli and cheese soup (lower cal than you might think)

wine!

I was pretty stinkin hungry at work. I think I need to add in more protein or something. Is it protein or fiber that makes you full?

Victorious moment - was feeling hungry and went to 7-11 with a co-worker (it's right across the street). My choice at 7-11? Mutha flippin BANANA! What?! Do they even sell those between the ding dongs, nachos and donuts? Yes, ma'am, they sure do. It was even organic. Booyah.

Dose of truth

Here's an extra dose of truth that I've been meaning to share for a few days. It's kind of ridiculous so hold on to your horses...

I haven't always been this fat. I've actually gained 100 pounds since my freshman year in college (2001).

In high school, I was bigger than most of my friends, but still pretty fit at an average of 170 pounds. I also played a lot of sports and was pretty strong. In college, late night dining and mindless eating led to some serious poundage.

I remember one summer I came home to lifeguard, between my sophomore and junior years. I lived in my bathing suit and stretchy shorts and then ate out ALL the time cause I didn't like the food my parents stocked at home. When I went to put my jeans on in the fall, they didn't even button. You'd think that'd be more of an eye-opener than it was.

Then I went off to my junior year at school when I lived off campus. Since I drove to school, I stopped walking nearly as much as I had been (significant as my campus was huge and on a mountainside). I also went to Vallarta's to get giant veggie burritos like 3 times a week. (Not the healthy kind of veggie burrito.) I didn't realize how much weight I was gaining until I woke up one morning with stretch marks on my tummy. That was bizarre. And then instead of thinking, "oh shit! i better stop the insanity!", I did this jedi mind trick in which I freaked out briefly and then subconsciously gave up cause there was already permanent damage.

I just kept on slowly gaining more and more from there. The escalating number on the scale has inspired brief stints of successful weight loss in the past, but this time I'm not concerned with that number. I just want to be healthy. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I don't want my weight to govern my life anymore. So I'm not gonna let it.

PS - Don't let me forget to write about all the ways that my weight affects my life now. I want to record it so if I hit a rough patch in resolve, I can have a reminder of why it's important and worthwhile to continue on my health journey.

OMG. So busy all at once.

So it's been a few days, mainly because I was away at a Women's Retreat this last weekend. I was a little afraid of what a weekend away would do to my health journey resolve, but it went pretty well. There was food readily available and tempting at ALL times. An abundance. Seriously. It was ridiculous.

But victorious me had reasonable servings, avoided having seconds, avoided snacking and avoided the candy. I had an epic battle of wills with some rice (i LOVE rice), but felt oh so awesome when I finally made the final decision that NO, I do not need a scoop of rice in a cute little cup. It was also SUCH a life saver to have friends there that I could be accountable to and that were amazingly encouraging. It's astounding what a difference being able to say - without shame or embarrassment - "Hey, I'm eating this cookie. If I reach for another one, please give me a dirty look." And then they say, "I'll grab it right out of your hand." And I say, "Sweet, please do." And then we all love each other.

Sunday wasn't so great as I overate at Enrique's. I felt so full after too many chips and salsa, a cup of cream of zucchini soup and a mushroom and zucchini quesadilla. On the bright side, it was an interesting experience cause I thought, "ugh. I'm so full. huh. I haven't felt that for a while. nice." (As in, I'm glad I haven't been stuffing myself in recent past.) Plus, it was so good to sit next to Mary and chat and laugh with her. Laughter burns calories, right?

I feel so busy after just one day in my new position and it was interesting to see how this whole thing works at my job where I'm used to making bad decisions. I did well today - had an orange, yogurt, quinoa & veggies, and lentil soup along with 2 coffees. We were STARVING by the time we could stop for dinner at 8:30 (had an appointment in the evening to view an apt.) so we ended up at Chipotle. Not the best decision, but I went for the bowl to cut out the tortilla. I think if I end up there in the future, a veggie bowl may be the best option.

Not gettting sick. Not getting sick.

I think I'm getting sick. Which is lame. Particularly cause I have a retreat this weekend that I've really been looking forward to. I'm praying that I'm not really getting sick and that I'll feel miles better tomorrow.

Between that and the blister on my foot, I haven't been able to get in a walk today. I did, however, have a delicious panini at an Italian place in Belmont Shore. Tomatoes, mozzarella, proscuito, and basil. Good stuff. I had a latin latte with it and it made for an awesome brunch.

I'm planning on having a grilled veggie sandwich for dinner and I'm hoping to talk John into making it cause I don't feel like doing a whole lot of anything right now.

Here's hoping I'm all better by tomorrow!

Sleepy!

I'm tired and I don't wanna blog but I'm gonna do it.

Good: Took a walk with Erin tonight! It was awesome to have something to look forward to and be accountable to. Got new shoes, too! Spent a whopping $40 on them (originally $75), and I felt bad to spend all that money. They are super comfy though.

Bad: Blister from bad shoes is still there. lame. hurts like a beezy.

Food:

2 eggs for b-fast

chips with guacamole and a side of self control (hells yes)

grilled chicken

fat free white mocha

stuffed (shellfish) salmon

rice

broccoli

and then we went to our friend Ernie's improv show in Hollywood and got home late and who doesn't want to snack after comedy? So I had chocolate covered pretzels and some milk. I did, however, measure an exact serving size of pretzels and put them on a plate to eat them instead of gorging on the whole bag. small victories.

New Creation

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

In this journey, my focus is on becoming a new person. If I'm just a fat chick trying to lose weight, I'm in a battle. If I change who I am, there is no battle.

Therefore, I am now a person who loves to be healthy. I am a person who eats well. I love food - real, nutritious food that comes out of the ground and was grown by someone with a face, not in a petri dish. I am an active person. I am someone who is no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my body. It's a beautiful work in progress. So there.

Also, I discovered after hanging out with good friends tonight that I'm a person who talks too damn much about myself and this new me, so I'm gonna quit that. I'm gonna quit talking about it so much and just BE it. (Except when I need support or accountability cause I'm also a person that loves and needs to live in community.)

Done and done.

What I ate today:

cream of wheat

1/2 cup coffee

leftover quinoa salad with fat free feta (deelish addition, btw)

homemade tortilla soup with chips and guacamole

thai iced tea

diet coke

sauteed apples over about 3/4 cup vanilla ice cream

Flakes are for corn

So for the better part of today I was hungry and stressed out (we have to move and the excitement about it wore off after a day of looking). I had a bowl of honey nut Joe's O's for breakfast and - lesson learned - that just does not keep me full.

I had some grilled chicken, toast and zucchini for lunch. I think I ate too much chicken (3 pieces) cause I was so hungry from an inadequate breakfast.

The exciting part came in the evening though when I first resisted John's temptation to get in on a 2 for $3 double bacon cheeseburger deal. THEN I made an awesome dinner consisting of a quinoa salad with red bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and zucchini along with grilled portabellas with this cilantro/soy/garlic marinade.

And then even more exciting than that, we met up with Erin for a little froyo in which I avoided any kind of topping and ordered a small. We had a great chat and Erin said something that made me so glad I'm not pretending this struggle is private anymore...

We were talking about my decision to go public and I said that it was scary cause what if I flaked? - then everyone would know! And then she says (in her brilliance), "Why would you flake? You wouldn't flake on me."

I very nearly teared up as she expanded on the need to treat ourselves with the same respect we treat our loved ones. Cause you know what? She's right. I wouldn't flake on her. I hate flaky people. So why am I allowing for even the possibility to flake out on myself?

Hooray for genius friends.

Goals

Firstly, thank you so much to all of you who responded to the email I sent out with the link to this blog. It was really scary and I'm not sure what I was expecting when I did it, but your support, love and encouragement is beautiful and overwhelming. Thank you. Seriously. Like a tear in the eye and a frog in my throat, thank you.

My goals for this week (before I go back to work on 1/11) are:

1. Write down strategies for dealing with potential roadblocks (e.g., I'm super hungry at work and forgot to bring a lunch, people order pizza in a group setting, etc.)

2. Finish reading The End to Overeating.

3. Finish reading Motivational Interviewing. It's a book on how people make changes in their lives - the stages they go through to reach real results and how to use therapeutic techniques to help them move through those stages more quickly.

I also really need to look into buying better athletic shoes. I'm using a pair of men's basketball shoes that I got for free at a clothing swap. I've already got a blister brewing, and I don't want shoes, of all things, to be a big stumbling block. We can't afford much, but I got a coupon for 20% off at Kohl's and I think I may be able to get some for like $35-$40 after the discount. Part of doing this whole thing is going to be financially prioritizing my health.

Why I hate being fat.

Why I hate being fat, reasons #1-5

(The gross collection)

1. I sweat in my face when I shouldn't. You know, like when it's above 80 degrees. This makes it really embarrassing to hug people sometimes. Gross.

2. My belly hangs over my underwear. Not the fun kind of hangover. Gross.

3. Lingerie just looks like lace on a pig. It's not cute. Gross.

4. I have skin tags on my armpits. Seriously. Gross.

5. The crease/roll on my neck collects dirt when I'm cleaning or doing messy things. Gross.

Gloze (Word of the Day)

Going well so far today! Yay!

Went for my 1.1 mile walk - felt harder today than it did the first time. I even cleaned the bathroom, too which was has to burn off at least a million calories, right?

I'm working on making healthy experiences rewarding experiences in order to better train new habits. To that end, I made myself a pretty water with lemon slices to come home to after my walk.

I'm reading "The End to Overeating" and it's got a lot of really great information on how the cycle of overeating works, how food draws you in and strategies on how to change it. I really identify with a lot of the addictive eater attributes the author discusses. It's all about your brain's reward system - super tasty food is addicting (for some people) in much the same way drugs are. I'm looking forward to reading about the strategies I can use to combat the bad habits I've created.

So far I've eaten a Weight Watcher's fiesta soup (like 1 point, I think) and a couple pieces of toast with margarine and a diet coke. I've also discovered some awesome low-cal recipes in a cookbook that I forgot I had. Curried cauliflower soup? Yes, please. I think soup may be my new best friend.

Gurgle gurgle

Dang dude. Pretty bad food day. Cream of Wheat, pozole, mushroom and zucchini quesadilla (veggies?), and - get this - a cookie dough brownie. I felt so gross after eating the brownie.

Remind me of that the next time we mention Sweet Jill's, would ya? Delicious looking brownie = nausea and regret.

Tomorrow's a new day with hopefully much better choices. I'm looking forward to tortilla soup with friends later in the week. Low cal AND delicious.

Also trying to figure out if quinoa is superior to rice. Same calories but more protein, I think?

Munch Town

What I ate today:
2 pieces of leftover homemade veggie pizza
1 piece of leftover homemade pepperoni pizza
Glass of skim milk
Coffee with skim milk and about a T. of sugar
Fried calamari
California Roll
Thousand Oaks Roll (tempura shrimp and krab)
Diet Coke
Yogurtland (pistachio, cheesecake, and vanilla yogurt with butterfinger, m&ms, cookie dough, strawberries, peaches, bananas, chocolate syrup)

Not a great day, but not horrible. At least there were veggies on the pizza and I chose sushi over burritos. Got to work on getting the yogurt portions under control. So hard at yogurtland, but it could be a good dessert if I got a little bit of yogurt with fruit. Also, need to work on replacing the fried calamari with seaweed salad or something.

In the beginning...

I've never really made New Year's resolutions before. I think they're silly. So I don't really think of this new journey to a better me as a New Year's resolution. It's more of a life resolution. However, the beginning of a new year and a new decade seems like an awfully good place to start. (I'm a fan of round numbers.) This is a particularly good time to start because this new decade coincides with finally being ready to do a couple, very important things:

1. I want to make a lifestyle change. I'm sick of living life as a fat chick and I don't want to just eat healthy for a little bit until I lose some weight. I want a new, healthy, happy me - forever. I no longer want my life to revolve around food and the result of me eating too much of it. I'm ready for this to not be just a temporary fix.

2. I'm ready to be honest. In this blog, I plan on sharing the good, bad, shameful, and downright ugly in order to propel myself to a more beautiful me. (More on this later.)

My accomplishment for today: I walked 1.1 miles (if I add the .1, I can say mileS instead of just mile). I got sweaty and out of breath doing it and I really pushed myself to power walk.

Coming soon: An honest account of where I'm at, how I got here and what my plans are for enjoying the journey to a new me.