Men.

I'm beginning to hate men. Not all men. I love my husband. My dad. My brother. My friends. The nice cashier guy at Trader Joe's. These men I do not hate.

I hate strange men. I hate men who call me "baby girl" because I happen to make eye contact with them while walking back home. I hate men who don't know my name but demand I smile. I hate men who think that this is okay.

Who do they think they are? Who do they think I am?!

Being hit on has historically been a rare occurrence for me. A guy I knew in high school once called me "asexual" ... and he wasn't trying to be insulting - just observant.

Part of this weight loss journey has been learning that my 150 extra pounds were a literal and figurative wall against the world. I didn't have to really interact with people. I didn't have to have real feelings about real things because I was insulated from it all. The first part of this unveiling has mostly involved me learning how to feel feelings - have real emotions about real things and have that be okay.

This next part is shaping up to look like learning what it means to be an average woman in American society. I don't want to be. I don't like it. I don't like feeling pressure to eat the right womanly things. I don't like the pressure to wear make-up and fashionable clothes and have good hair. Part of me loves to do those things but I also hate the baggage that those things seem to come with.

It feels like a whole package deal wherein sexual harassment comes standard. My friends aren't outraged by this anymore. They've dealt with it for decades. It's normal for them. But it's all new to me and I hate it. I'm outraged. I'm disgusted.

I've been at a weight loss stall for a few months. All summer I've been stuck at almost 100 pounds lost. Part of this is that my doctor explained, "The first 100 pounds will be easy. The last 50 you'll have to work for." I'm not eating right or exercising as often as I should. I can blame it on being incredibly busy, but really I feel like I'm subconsciously (maybe consciously at this point) staying in this holding pattern until I can get used to the concept of a new me.

I feel scared and helpless. What if some "baby girl" type guy decides he wants to push the envelope? What am I going to do? No really. What the hell would I do? I can yell and kick and scream and I pray that I would be able to do that and not just freeze. But what if I froze and what if he's a lot stronger than me?

My current solution to this is to take a women's self defense class. I think I might feel better if I knew I could kick some ass and stand a chance. And I'm going to be outraged for a while.

Because this isn't okay.

Changes

I'm a little over halfway to my goal in this journey. I've lost 85 pounds so far and there's been some changes I wasn't expecting.

1. Fruit and baked goods are my new favorites. I was a big fan of neither, pre-surgery.
2. I like to exercise. Or, at least, I do it. I do something physical with my body at least 5 days a week and have kept that up for 4 months. That's the longest I've ever stuck with an exercise plan.
3. My skin is looser than I was hoping it would be. Discovered last night that even my hands have some extra skin. I'm hoping that it will tighten up over time. I'd really rather avoid the plastic surgery to fix it.
4. My hands and feet have lost weight.
5. I like to wear dresses.

I'm trying to be kind to myself through this process and patient with the journey. Frustration leads to giving up and that's not an option in this case. I've taken the stance of observation as I go through this and I'm doing my best not to think/talk about it constantly. Just breathe and practice gratitude.

6 months out

I'm a few days past 6 months out from the surgery. So far I've lost 69 pounds. I'm hoping that my official weigh-in next Thursday will send me soaring past the 70 pound mark. Every ten pounds feels like a major victory. My next major goal is to hit 100 lbs by John's birthday at the end of April.

There have been ups and downs and I still feel like I'm learning how this whole thing works. The weight loss has slowed way down - I even stalled for a few weeks over the holidays. However, the new year has brought new resolve.

I've been exercising at least 5 days/week. My minimum (and most frequent) workout is a 20 minute hulu video - pilates, yoga, or cardio toning. There's no excuse not to roll out of bed to my living room for less than half an hour in the morning. I also usually go to the gym with my students once a week where I do some elliptical and weight lifting. I tried a free yoga class on the beach bluff a few blocks from my house yesterday and loved it. I'm hoping to make it a Friday morning tradition. John and I also try to ride bikes as often as we can, but with the winter early sunsets and busy schedules that's usually only once every couple of weeks. It's amazing to recognize that I like being active. I never allowed myself to be competitive or believe I could be good at anything requiring athleticism. It feels so freeing to be rid of the lies that my fat body told me. I'm lighter in so many ways. (And I'm not even halfway to my end goal yet!)

I've had about half a dozen episodes of extreme stomach pain. I went to the ER once for it and discovered a newfound appreciation for morphine. The doctors aren't sure what's wrong but think it may have to do with "sludge" in my gall bladder. They seem sure that it's definitely not anything to do with my sleeve. So far, (in my opinion) it seems to most closely correlate with my water consumption: lots of water = happy tummy, lack of water = VERY angry tummy.

Food consumption is tough. It's so hard to get used to eating the way I should. I'm just now starting to stop when I'm getting full vs. eating until I'm in pain. I'm learning that the surgery is a fantastic tool, but I still struggle with what I would call a food addiction/emotional eating. I'm now capable of choosing to eat a small chicken salad for lunch and getting full after eating it (something that was NOT possible for me before). But tonight we did budgeting which is never a happy time and I ate a small bowl of cereal, crackers, cheese and a few sips of wine - more out of an emotional response to the subject of the night than actually being hungry. I'm still working on consistently making good eating choices regardless of whims, cravings, or my emotional state.

Thanks to a tip from a friend, I started using My Fitness Pal. It's a great tool to keep me accountable, but sometimes I feel discouraged when I go over my calorie recommendation. I'm trying to let it empower me to make good choices instead of get me down. I'm also trying to remember that when 1,772 calories (today's count) is a really high day, I'm not doing all that bad. I can only imagine what that number would've been a year ago.


Overall, I couldn't be happier that I got the surgery. I feel a freedom and hope that I haven't in a long time. I feel so blessed that the Lord opened the doors for this opportunity.

PS - I can't wait until I can shop for clothes in cute little boutiques! I'm rediscovering my sense of style. I'm funky!

She fancy, huh?

Today I'm wearing dress pants that are suddenly super comfy - because they're a bit baggy. I've paired them with a sweatshirt and flip flops cause it's an overcast Saturday and it just feels right.

It's been a little over 2 months since the surgery and I've lost 45 pounds. I track my weight loss in a google doc every Thursday. I weigh myself every morning. Sometimes I get frustrated since the scale usually goes 2 steps forward and 1 step back. I have to be reminded how quickly I'm losing when I get impatient with the numbers.

I only have one pair of jeans that still fits. The rest are so baggy that I can take them off without hands - how's that for sexy?

I'm still learning how to eat and thanks to a recent personal encounter with Jamie Oliver Food Revolution, I'm on a cooking from scratch kick. My hubby and I have also been talking about gearing a lot more toward a plant-based, non-processed diet due to recent research (The China Study, Paleo, etc.). We plan on reading up and moving forward from there. Not sure how the plant-based stuff will affect the doctor-recommended protein focused diet I'm supposed to follow. I plan to make an appointment with the dietician to find out how it'll work.

In the mean time, I'm enjoying making veggie chili and cornbread sans cans or mixes. And Jamie Oliver's whole wheat pancakes with fruit compote.

I'm still surprised when I can only eat half a roll of sushi before I'm stuffed. I still usually eat one bite too many at my meals and am sorry for an hour or so afterward.

Just trying to enjoy the journey and give myself a little grace for the bumps along the way.

I didn't die!

I didn't die! I'm now nearly two weeks out from my surgery and I'm still alive. Hooray!

For anyone who is thinking about having the surgery, know this: it hurts. I woke up in the hospital and the first 48 hours (especially the first 24) were PAIN. I've never birthed a child and I don't plan to, so I'm just gonna set post-surgery as my limit.

However, it wasn't absolutely unbearable and I'm noticeably better every day. At 12 days out, I feel almost normal - I'm tired (I think mostly from eating so little), and my incisions are itchy and stingy a lot of the time, but I don't need to take my pain meds at all. I get my staples out tomorrow and I'm uber excited about that.

In my appointment tomorrow, I'm hoping against hope that I'll get approval from my surgeon to move on to the "mushy" stage of eating. Right now I'm on full liquids, meaning that EVERYTHING I eat has to be blended to a straw-worthy consistency. It's not fun. I would do horrible things to be able to eat something crunchy. I feel like being able to eat "mushies" like mashed potatoes or tuna salad would make my life about a million times better right now. Most blended things are sweet and/or not all that tasty. And if I eat anything with too much sugar or fat, my tummy says no pretty rudely; thus my dreams of milkshakes have been dashed. So far my favorite thing is pinto beans from Taco Bell blended with greek yogurt (sour cream substitute) and hot sauce.

I've lost about a pound a day since surgery (20 pounds since my highest weight a few months ago) and I would love for it to go even faster. I can't wait until I can start seeing/feeling the difference in significant ways!

No turning back

Surgery is in 12 days.

I'm nervous.

I'm excited.

I'm a bit scared.

I'm hopeful.

I told my mom that I was scared and she reminded me that I didn't have to go through with it. I then reminded her that being scared wasn't a good excuse to not do something.

My brother just went sky diving. We agreed that being a pansy isn't a cop-out option.

Balls to the wall, let's do this.

Cut & Paste

I'm scheduled to have gastric sleeve surgery on July 14th.

I'm excited.

A bit nervous.

More nervous still that my nickel allergy may throw a wrench in the process (surgical staples still being verified as okay for my body).

Here we go...