Just sayin...

I'm just sayin... it's Saturday at noon and I've already gone for a brisk walk in the park with Erin and eaten some delicious stinky bagels. It's a good day thus far.

The Silver Lining

So I decided today that its a lot more fun and motivating to focus more on my food victories than what I've eaten. Plus, according to my literature, the more positive experiences I can associate with doing healthy things, the easier it will be to be healthy! I'll still try and list what I've eaten recently, but let's focus on the brighter side, shall we?

Last night John and I were talking and we both really wanted to get some dessert. The fro-yo places just felt too far so we talked about getting a frosty from Wendy's. They're only 99 cents, so it's been a fun/cheap treat for us in the past. But after some thought, I decided that I just wouldn't feel good about eating a bunch of high fructose corn syrup. So we skipped it! I had a handful of kettlecorn from the farmer's market and a glass of wine instead. Hooray!

What I've eaten today:

2 hardboiled eggs

yogurt

coffee

mcdonald's cheeseburger (lame)

mozzarella & tomato salad

raw bellpepper

saltine crackers

I'm making some turkey chili to take to marriage group tonight, so I'll have that too. I also have a country club/trailer trash potluck tomorrow night. Not sure how that's gonna work out. Potlucks with friends that can cook just seems so daunting... and delicious. I was planning on making some Paula Deen mac n' cheese, but maybe I should figure out something healthier. Any ideas?

Blossom

Also, here's a quote I came across on facebook from an old high school friend that I thought applied well to my health journey:

And then the day came, when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to Blossom.

FOOOOOOOOOOD

What I ate today:

English muffin

nonfat mexican mocha

quinoa salad

baked lays potato chips

diet soda

avocado

trout (smelled sooooo fishy, but tasted good!)

a little bit of rice

baby bok choy

chocolate covered honeycomb (2 pieces - they're chunks a bit smaller than a baby's fist)

skim milk

Wow, honestly not as bad as I thought I did. I spent a good part of the day feeling guilty, but I didn't eat that poorly!

Does anyone have any good quinoa recipes? I've just been grilling veggies and mixing it together, but it's just not doing it for me. (Word to the wise - blue cheese is a bad addition.)

Shame

I hate these posts where I get all obnoxiously honest. It's a bit painful. And here goes...

So there's a lot of shameful things that happen when you chronically overeat. One of those things is that you hide food intake. I sometimes do this thing where I sneak food and then feel really ashamed and full of regret.

Like today. John left for worship team practice and I pretty immediately went for these two small-ish leftover baked potatoes in the fridge. I wasn't hungry. We had had farina for brunch not two hours before. Without a thought I took both out instead of just one. I found myself trying to hide the bowl with the potatoes, margarine and light sour cream from my landlord/housemate walking by. I knew it was wrong and I shouldn't, but I was too far into the process. The concept of not eating it at that point just wasn't an option.

So now I need to figure out how to go from this place of shame and embarrassment and self-disgust that just makes me want to give up and crawl in a corner to one in which I feel empowered and motivated to continue in the right direction.

I know it's gonna be a lot of hard work to get where I want to be. And for that reason, I haven't given myself a time table. It took a lifetime of learning bad habits to get to this place. It might take a few years to get to an awesome place. It involves changing bad habits into good ones. Consciously switching the associations I have created in my brain. Resisting a lot of temptation and feeling good about it. This physical thing with my body has to happen on a cognitive level and sometimes that just feels overwhelmingly difficult.

In The End to Overeating, it talks about changing your brain's association with things to change your behavior, e.g., taking a whiff of stale cigarette butts every time you want a cigarette so that eventually you just associate smoking with nastiness. The books says that you can train yourself to do the same sort of thing with food. If I'm able to resist temptation (made easier by making a plan of action before I encounter said temptation), on a consistent basis, I won't be tempted anymore. I'll be so rewarded by the results of resisting the temptation that walking away will be a more desirable thing to do than eat the brownie (or pizza, or cheesecake, or potato).

Here's hoping that I can get to that place. I'm feeling pretty negative at the moment and I want to get to a more positive place. One where this journey is exciting and not something I dread.

STORM!

Oh man, it's so wet round these parts. My work building was even evacuated! Freaking tornadoes in Long Beach!

I mostly stayed on track with my plan for what I was going to eat yesterday except we went to Enrique's for dinner instead of making cauliflower soup (chips/salsa, cup of broccoli soup, zucchini and mushroom quesadilla). It was a crazy day trying to deal with the DMV/Long Beach courts. LAME.

Today I tried making the curried cauliflower soup but that turned out to be pretty nasty. It was weird and spicy tasting. I think I just don't like Indian flavors enough to enjoy it. I followed the recipe which just consisted of boiling cauliflower in milk spiced with garam masala and salt and pepper until tender then blending it all together to make kind of a bisque. It was just too weird for me. I think I might like it with less intense spices - maybe roasted garlic and leeks or something. The texture was good, just not the intense spice flavor.

Soooo... we ended up making baked potatoes and chicken breast for dinner instead. Sadly, we didn't have any other veggies besides the massive amount of cauliflower that just went down the drain. But potatoes are technically a vegetable, right?

The rest of the day I had - 2 hard boiled eggs, english muffin, black tea with honey, french bread with nasty progresso chicken and rice soup, raw red bell pepper, and a tangerine. I don't know what I'm gonna eat tomorrow for lunch cause we don't have any food! AHHH!

Raw Fish

I think running around looking for apartments in the POURING rain and blustery day burns about a million calories. It's got to, right? Still on the search for that awesome place, but we've got a couple of cool possibilities on the table.

What is swimming in my gastric juices today:

english muffin

nonfat white mocha

miso soup

cucumber salad

thousand oaks roll

alaskan roll

pasta bake - (but i made it so i think it was a bit healthier - leftover pasta, lots of tomatoes, a bit of cheese and the occasional black olive)

a scoop of vanilla ice cream with chocolate syrup

Again, I think I need to stock up on the veggies. Or just stalk them? You think they'll get creeped out?

My plan for tomorrow:

english muffin

hardboiled egg(s?)

tangerine

raw red bell pepper

leftover pasta bake

raw baby carrots (i think. unless we ran out.)

cauliflower soup

maybe a chicken breast or something to go with the soup for dinner.

Let's see how that works out, shall we? I also want to drink at least 1 nalgene of water. It should be pretty easy cause it's a staff meeting day - 2.5 hours in one room.

Where's my wagon

Alright, I gotta be honest. This weekend I fell off the wagon just a bit. We've been super busy and I've lost focus. I quit asking, "What would healthy Megan do?" Or quit listening to the answer.

I had pizza, chinese food, brownies (whole wheat brownies, mind you), and Auntie DeeDee's pasta bake. A friend celebrated his birthday at the Cheesecake Factory and we started out well by electing to eat dinner at home beforehand so that I only ordered a green salad while we were there... and then we split a slice of cheesecake, cause you know, we're at it's factory. It'd be rude not to, right? We helped a friend move the next day and there's always pizza and beer on move day. Then friends came over and brought us Chinese food.

Long story short, I need to reacquaint myself with vegetables. We were starting to get close and then I kind of ditched them for the sexy cheesecake. Bitch move, I know. It's time to humbly come back to my friend the squash and ask if we can get cozy again.

I also need to finish The End to Overeating. I've finally hit the solution part of the book and now I need to finish reading those crucial last 50 pages.

Muh fooood 1/13

Today I eated:

A "nasty ass-salad"

2 Hard Boiled Eggs

Yogurt

Grilled Veggie Sandwich

1 Serving shrimp w/pasta

2 garlic bread pieces

1 Serving green beans

(This is John posting)

There were many victorious things not eaten.

Reminder to self

I'm doing this because I want to live life without inhibitions. I want to be free from this weight in every way. I want to PHYSICALLY dance. I don't want this one thing to govern my EMOTIONS. I want a SPIRITUAL path free of obstacles.

I feel heavy now. I want to get rid of this load.

Not quitting.

Hungry

Food today:

Orange

Yogurt

Banana

Chicken breast (my friend Tritia made it and it was gooooooood)

Gardenburger (2 small patties with ketchup and mustard)

Diet coke

shrimp hacao (dim sum steamed dumpling)

grilled veggie sandwich

broccoli and cheese soup (lower cal than you might think)

wine!

I was pretty stinkin hungry at work. I think I need to add in more protein or something. Is it protein or fiber that makes you full?

Victorious moment - was feeling hungry and went to 7-11 with a co-worker (it's right across the street). My choice at 7-11? Mutha flippin BANANA! What?! Do they even sell those between the ding dongs, nachos and donuts? Yes, ma'am, they sure do. It was even organic. Booyah.

Dose of truth

Here's an extra dose of truth that I've been meaning to share for a few days. It's kind of ridiculous so hold on to your horses...

I haven't always been this fat. I've actually gained 100 pounds since my freshman year in college (2001).

In high school, I was bigger than most of my friends, but still pretty fit at an average of 170 pounds. I also played a lot of sports and was pretty strong. In college, late night dining and mindless eating led to some serious poundage.

I remember one summer I came home to lifeguard, between my sophomore and junior years. I lived in my bathing suit and stretchy shorts and then ate out ALL the time cause I didn't like the food my parents stocked at home. When I went to put my jeans on in the fall, they didn't even button. You'd think that'd be more of an eye-opener than it was.

Then I went off to my junior year at school when I lived off campus. Since I drove to school, I stopped walking nearly as much as I had been (significant as my campus was huge and on a mountainside). I also went to Vallarta's to get giant veggie burritos like 3 times a week. (Not the healthy kind of veggie burrito.) I didn't realize how much weight I was gaining until I woke up one morning with stretch marks on my tummy. That was bizarre. And then instead of thinking, "oh shit! i better stop the insanity!", I did this jedi mind trick in which I freaked out briefly and then subconsciously gave up cause there was already permanent damage.

I just kept on slowly gaining more and more from there. The escalating number on the scale has inspired brief stints of successful weight loss in the past, but this time I'm not concerned with that number. I just want to be healthy. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see. I don't want my weight to govern my life anymore. So I'm not gonna let it.

PS - Don't let me forget to write about all the ways that my weight affects my life now. I want to record it so if I hit a rough patch in resolve, I can have a reminder of why it's important and worthwhile to continue on my health journey.

OMG. So busy all at once.

So it's been a few days, mainly because I was away at a Women's Retreat this last weekend. I was a little afraid of what a weekend away would do to my health journey resolve, but it went pretty well. There was food readily available and tempting at ALL times. An abundance. Seriously. It was ridiculous.

But victorious me had reasonable servings, avoided having seconds, avoided snacking and avoided the candy. I had an epic battle of wills with some rice (i LOVE rice), but felt oh so awesome when I finally made the final decision that NO, I do not need a scoop of rice in a cute little cup. It was also SUCH a life saver to have friends there that I could be accountable to and that were amazingly encouraging. It's astounding what a difference being able to say - without shame or embarrassment - "Hey, I'm eating this cookie. If I reach for another one, please give me a dirty look." And then they say, "I'll grab it right out of your hand." And I say, "Sweet, please do." And then we all love each other.

Sunday wasn't so great as I overate at Enrique's. I felt so full after too many chips and salsa, a cup of cream of zucchini soup and a mushroom and zucchini quesadilla. On the bright side, it was an interesting experience cause I thought, "ugh. I'm so full. huh. I haven't felt that for a while. nice." (As in, I'm glad I haven't been stuffing myself in recent past.) Plus, it was so good to sit next to Mary and chat and laugh with her. Laughter burns calories, right?

I feel so busy after just one day in my new position and it was interesting to see how this whole thing works at my job where I'm used to making bad decisions. I did well today - had an orange, yogurt, quinoa & veggies, and lentil soup along with 2 coffees. We were STARVING by the time we could stop for dinner at 8:30 (had an appointment in the evening to view an apt.) so we ended up at Chipotle. Not the best decision, but I went for the bowl to cut out the tortilla. I think if I end up there in the future, a veggie bowl may be the best option.

Not gettting sick. Not getting sick.

I think I'm getting sick. Which is lame. Particularly cause I have a retreat this weekend that I've really been looking forward to. I'm praying that I'm not really getting sick and that I'll feel miles better tomorrow.

Between that and the blister on my foot, I haven't been able to get in a walk today. I did, however, have a delicious panini at an Italian place in Belmont Shore. Tomatoes, mozzarella, proscuito, and basil. Good stuff. I had a latin latte with it and it made for an awesome brunch.

I'm planning on having a grilled veggie sandwich for dinner and I'm hoping to talk John into making it cause I don't feel like doing a whole lot of anything right now.

Here's hoping I'm all better by tomorrow!

Sleepy!

I'm tired and I don't wanna blog but I'm gonna do it.

Good: Took a walk with Erin tonight! It was awesome to have something to look forward to and be accountable to. Got new shoes, too! Spent a whopping $40 on them (originally $75), and I felt bad to spend all that money. They are super comfy though.

Bad: Blister from bad shoes is still there. lame. hurts like a beezy.

Food:

2 eggs for b-fast

chips with guacamole and a side of self control (hells yes)

grilled chicken

fat free white mocha

stuffed (shellfish) salmon

rice

broccoli

and then we went to our friend Ernie's improv show in Hollywood and got home late and who doesn't want to snack after comedy? So I had chocolate covered pretzels and some milk. I did, however, measure an exact serving size of pretzels and put them on a plate to eat them instead of gorging on the whole bag. small victories.

New Creation

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" 2 Corinthians 5:17

In this journey, my focus is on becoming a new person. If I'm just a fat chick trying to lose weight, I'm in a battle. If I change who I am, there is no battle.

Therefore, I am now a person who loves to be healthy. I am a person who eats well. I love food - real, nutritious food that comes out of the ground and was grown by someone with a face, not in a petri dish. I am an active person. I am someone who is no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my body. It's a beautiful work in progress. So there.

Also, I discovered after hanging out with good friends tonight that I'm a person who talks too damn much about myself and this new me, so I'm gonna quit that. I'm gonna quit talking about it so much and just BE it. (Except when I need support or accountability cause I'm also a person that loves and needs to live in community.)

Done and done.

What I ate today:

cream of wheat

1/2 cup coffee

leftover quinoa salad with fat free feta (deelish addition, btw)

homemade tortilla soup with chips and guacamole

thai iced tea

diet coke

sauteed apples over about 3/4 cup vanilla ice cream

Flakes are for corn

So for the better part of today I was hungry and stressed out (we have to move and the excitement about it wore off after a day of looking). I had a bowl of honey nut Joe's O's for breakfast and - lesson learned - that just does not keep me full.

I had some grilled chicken, toast and zucchini for lunch. I think I ate too much chicken (3 pieces) cause I was so hungry from an inadequate breakfast.

The exciting part came in the evening though when I first resisted John's temptation to get in on a 2 for $3 double bacon cheeseburger deal. THEN I made an awesome dinner consisting of a quinoa salad with red bell peppers, mushrooms, onions and zucchini along with grilled portabellas with this cilantro/soy/garlic marinade.

And then even more exciting than that, we met up with Erin for a little froyo in which I avoided any kind of topping and ordered a small. We had a great chat and Erin said something that made me so glad I'm not pretending this struggle is private anymore...

We were talking about my decision to go public and I said that it was scary cause what if I flaked? - then everyone would know! And then she says (in her brilliance), "Why would you flake? You wouldn't flake on me."

I very nearly teared up as she expanded on the need to treat ourselves with the same respect we treat our loved ones. Cause you know what? She's right. I wouldn't flake on her. I hate flaky people. So why am I allowing for even the possibility to flake out on myself?

Hooray for genius friends.

Goals

Firstly, thank you so much to all of you who responded to the email I sent out with the link to this blog. It was really scary and I'm not sure what I was expecting when I did it, but your support, love and encouragement is beautiful and overwhelming. Thank you. Seriously. Like a tear in the eye and a frog in my throat, thank you.

My goals for this week (before I go back to work on 1/11) are:

1. Write down strategies for dealing with potential roadblocks (e.g., I'm super hungry at work and forgot to bring a lunch, people order pizza in a group setting, etc.)

2. Finish reading The End to Overeating.

3. Finish reading Motivational Interviewing. It's a book on how people make changes in their lives - the stages they go through to reach real results and how to use therapeutic techniques to help them move through those stages more quickly.

I also really need to look into buying better athletic shoes. I'm using a pair of men's basketball shoes that I got for free at a clothing swap. I've already got a blister brewing, and I don't want shoes, of all things, to be a big stumbling block. We can't afford much, but I got a coupon for 20% off at Kohl's and I think I may be able to get some for like $35-$40 after the discount. Part of doing this whole thing is going to be financially prioritizing my health.

Why I hate being fat.

Why I hate being fat, reasons #1-5

(The gross collection)

1. I sweat in my face when I shouldn't. You know, like when it's above 80 degrees. This makes it really embarrassing to hug people sometimes. Gross.

2. My belly hangs over my underwear. Not the fun kind of hangover. Gross.

3. Lingerie just looks like lace on a pig. It's not cute. Gross.

4. I have skin tags on my armpits. Seriously. Gross.

5. The crease/roll on my neck collects dirt when I'm cleaning or doing messy things. Gross.

Gloze (Word of the Day)

Going well so far today! Yay!

Went for my 1.1 mile walk - felt harder today than it did the first time. I even cleaned the bathroom, too which was has to burn off at least a million calories, right?

I'm working on making healthy experiences rewarding experiences in order to better train new habits. To that end, I made myself a pretty water with lemon slices to come home to after my walk.

I'm reading "The End to Overeating" and it's got a lot of really great information on how the cycle of overeating works, how food draws you in and strategies on how to change it. I really identify with a lot of the addictive eater attributes the author discusses. It's all about your brain's reward system - super tasty food is addicting (for some people) in much the same way drugs are. I'm looking forward to reading about the strategies I can use to combat the bad habits I've created.

So far I've eaten a Weight Watcher's fiesta soup (like 1 point, I think) and a couple pieces of toast with margarine and a diet coke. I've also discovered some awesome low-cal recipes in a cookbook that I forgot I had. Curried cauliflower soup? Yes, please. I think soup may be my new best friend.

Gurgle gurgle

Dang dude. Pretty bad food day. Cream of Wheat, pozole, mushroom and zucchini quesadilla (veggies?), and - get this - a cookie dough brownie. I felt so gross after eating the brownie.

Remind me of that the next time we mention Sweet Jill's, would ya? Delicious looking brownie = nausea and regret.

Tomorrow's a new day with hopefully much better choices. I'm looking forward to tortilla soup with friends later in the week. Low cal AND delicious.

Also trying to figure out if quinoa is superior to rice. Same calories but more protein, I think?

Munch Town

What I ate today:
2 pieces of leftover homemade veggie pizza
1 piece of leftover homemade pepperoni pizza
Glass of skim milk
Coffee with skim milk and about a T. of sugar
Fried calamari
California Roll
Thousand Oaks Roll (tempura shrimp and krab)
Diet Coke
Yogurtland (pistachio, cheesecake, and vanilla yogurt with butterfinger, m&ms, cookie dough, strawberries, peaches, bananas, chocolate syrup)

Not a great day, but not horrible. At least there were veggies on the pizza and I chose sushi over burritos. Got to work on getting the yogurt portions under control. So hard at yogurtland, but it could be a good dessert if I got a little bit of yogurt with fruit. Also, need to work on replacing the fried calamari with seaweed salad or something.

In the beginning...

I've never really made New Year's resolutions before. I think they're silly. So I don't really think of this new journey to a better me as a New Year's resolution. It's more of a life resolution. However, the beginning of a new year and a new decade seems like an awfully good place to start. (I'm a fan of round numbers.) This is a particularly good time to start because this new decade coincides with finally being ready to do a couple, very important things:

1. I want to make a lifestyle change. I'm sick of living life as a fat chick and I don't want to just eat healthy for a little bit until I lose some weight. I want a new, healthy, happy me - forever. I no longer want my life to revolve around food and the result of me eating too much of it. I'm ready for this to not be just a temporary fix.

2. I'm ready to be honest. In this blog, I plan on sharing the good, bad, shameful, and downright ugly in order to propel myself to a more beautiful me. (More on this later.)

My accomplishment for today: I walked 1.1 miles (if I add the .1, I can say mileS instead of just mile). I got sweaty and out of breath doing it and I really pushed myself to power walk.

Coming soon: An honest account of where I'm at, how I got here and what my plans are for enjoying the journey to a new me.